


Rising, Falling

by east_wind



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene, Romance, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 20:45:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13598034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/east_wind/pseuds/east_wind
Summary: Sometimes there's only one choice, and it's still wrong.(Bonus scene immediately post 2x12, "The Fires of Idirsholas")





	Rising, Falling

Merlin stumbled twice on the long staircase up from Kilgharra’s cavern. His ears were still ringing from the dragon’s exultations, and each time he closed his eyes he saw the parting silhouette of its serpentine form against the cloudless sky. _What have I done?_ He’d thought the words so many times already that they had started to adhere to the ragged beat of his footsteps as he climbed. _What. Have I. Done. What. Have. I. Done. What. Have. I. Done. What_ \- until he reached the top of the steps and leaned, breathless, against the wall. The night air carried distant sounds of activity- stablehands leading in a straggling horse, the quiet bustle of the kitchen staff, undaunted by the day’s near-tragedy. Listening deeper, beyond himself, Merlin could just make out uproar from taverns in the lower town. He hadn’t realized how terrifying the utter silence in the city had been until he remembered that even the quiet was never that quiet.  


With difficulty, he pried himself away from the wall. Gaius would be wondering where he was. How would he explain?  


How would he ever begin to explain?  


He had poisoned Morgana, and then let her be taken by the most powerful sorceress of his generation. He had released a dragon, a dragon which held a deep and, if Merlin let himself think it, justified hatred for Camelot. At the very least, he thought, if the dragon came back and killed them all, it would spare him being killed by Uther if Morgana ever came back. Or if she didn’t.  


It was also becoming harder to ignore his exhaustion. It had been almost 24 hours since he and Arthur rode back into Camelot, and longer still since he’d slept.  


When he looked up, his feet had carried him back to Gaius’s door. Gaius was within, not asleep as Merlin had hoped.  


“Where on Earth have you been?”  


“I had some things to take care of. Shouldn’t you be in bed? It’s getting late.”  


“I might say the same to you. I had plenty of sleep today.”  


Merlin should have known he wouldn’t be distracted so easily. “I’m going right to bed now.”  


Gaius stood. “Not until you say where you’ve been. It has been a harrowing day. I want to know if there is other trouble you need to tell me about.”  


“I promise, everything’s ok now.” Merlin met his eyes. “Gaius, please.” He saw when Gaius softened.  


“Alright, then. Get to bed, child. And, Merlin-” He reached out and took Merlin’s shoulder. “Thank you. On Camelot’s behalf and my own.”  


Merlin nodded, his betrayal closing off his throat.  


In bed, he watched shadows of clouds pass over his wall and tried to relax. He felt like he had been tense, ready to spring or fight or die, for so long that he’d forgotten how to be anything else. He was more tired than he could have thought possible. Every time he tried to close his eyes, though, he saw things that forced them open. Kilgharrah’s flight. The horror in Morgana’s eyes. The dead eyes of the Knights. Worst, though, was Arthur: disappearing through the doors of the throne room to meet his death. Watching as Morgana was taken away. Merlin’s blind panic as Arthur’s eyes slipped shut, as he struggled to hold out against the spell.  


It was almost ironic. Once, Merlin would have died for the chance to slap him.  


The movement of the moon told him that more than an hour had passed. He despaired of ever sleeping, and got up. Maybe a walk would settle him.  


Gaius, despite his full day of rest, was snoring in bed. Merlin whispered a few words to muffle his feet and slipped out.  


It was a beautiful night, clear and cool and still. A conflicted part of Merlin was glad. He hoped Kilgharrah was enjoying it.  


The city had finally settled, but though most of its occupants slept again, it lacked the horrible silence. Merlin tried to take comfort from that. He decided to walk the battlements. From there, perhaps he could see smoke from a surrounding village, a reminder that there were people who knew nothing about the day’s events, who had worked and eaten and loved as normal, but all he saw when he finished the climb was the high, cold moon.  


He wished he could see Ealdor from the castle. For the first time, he almost wished he had stayed, helped Hunith with the farm, loved Will in a small way, and never met Arthur and Morgana and Gwen, never had to love until it hurt, never had to feel his and Arthur’s destiny tied as tight as a sailor’s knot, tight as a noose.  


Merlin turned around, back towards the castle, the home he had been willing to kill Morgana to save, and saw a singular light glowing. It flickered in Arthur’s window, and Merlin felt in his chest, sure as he felt his magic, that his place was here.  


He knocked gently on Arthur’s door.  


“Come in, Merlin.”  


Merlin wondered when that had happened, when Arthur had noticed and remembered, had come to recognize Merlin’s own knock. Arthur was sitting in bed, still fully dressed, leaning back against the headboard.  


“Couldn’t sleep either?” Arthur asked. Merlin shook his head, shutting the door softly behind him. “I would think, today of all days, but- I see him every time I close my eyes.”  


Merlin knew who Arthur was seeing. He came and sat next to him, drawing his legs up close to his chest. “You saved him, though. You protected him.”  


“It wouldn’t have been enough. If Morgause hadn’t decided to just- end things, he would have been killed.”  


“But she did. You bought him enough time.”  


“I don’t understand it. Why would she just give up? She had us. She had everything she wanted, and then she let my father go and took Morgana instead. Why?”  
He didn’t really expect an answer, and Merlin could never have given him the truth.  


“God. She was like a sister to me. She was my sister. Even after all the fights we’ve had, I loved her, Merlin.”  


“I know.”  


“And now she’s gone.”  


“We can find her. I don’t think she’s-” Merlin stumbled over the word, started again. “She’s still alive, I can feel it.”  


Relief was shadowed in Arthur’s eyes. “I can, too. I didn’t want to hope, but- I can.” His face fell again. “I could never get past Morgause. When she abandoned the Knights, I was almost dead. I would have died if she hadn’t let go then.” Merlin could feel the effort it took him to unbend his pride, even there in the quiet and dim, alone again in the sleeping city.  


“You’ll be better rested, when we find her, you’ll have backup-”  


“Don’t, Merlin. Not now.”  


Merlin nodded.  


The silence that followed was ragged with grief, a bastardization of previous nights when they’d sat up under better circumstances, when Merlin had treasured the peace, the better side of Arthur that came out when they were alone. This was cold, a cold that wouldn’t be touched no matter how they stoked the fire.  


A long time later Arthur spoke again, barely more than a whisper in the dark. “He forgot to say thank you. Everything I did for him today and he remembered as I walked out his door. How much would I have to give him before he remembered?”  


Merlin didn’t know. His chest hurt. _My brave Arthur. My brave prince._  


He dared to reach his arm out, put it around Arthur’s shoulders. Arthur hesitated for a moment, a fraction of a heartbeat, and leaned into Merlin’s side. They both let out a held breath, and, bolder, Merlin rested his cheek on the crown of Arthur’s head. “Camelot will thank you. Your people will remember what you did for them.”  


“Will they?”  


“I would never let them forget it.”  


Arthur huffed a tiny laugh. “You're good at that.” A jab and a compliment, and that was more like the Arthur Merlin knew. They leaned on each other through a second silence, bending around each other’s hurts. It was more comfortable this time.  


Merlin finally shifted, and Arthur suffered himself to be kissed on the forehead. “You should get some sleep.” And before Arthur could ask, Merlin promised, “I'll stay.”

**Author's Note:**

> In the immortal words of a dear friend, "Uther Pendragon retire bitch!!"
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Edit: I posted this like an hour ago and I'm already editing because I forgot to mention that I'm finally on tumblr! At ventum-orientalem.tumblr.com (it's Latin for East Wind because that's just how it is when you're pretentious)  
> I have like... four posts right now because I'm too busy to actually, you know, use tumblr, and none of them happen to be about Merlin, but soon! It's a process. Anyway, come say hi!


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